Just me...

Get off my planet you hater!

Hey to all you FUCKING assholes (and you know who you are) that can't believe in my happiness or that maybe I've HAVE found what I have looked for all my life....

GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

don't stand in my face pretending to be a so called friend and then yap like a dog to everyone and their brother that does not need to know my damn business. I don't need people like you in my life, period!

I am sorry you don't have the same or can't feel the same in your life but that is YOUR problem.. now get the fuck off my planet and out of my face.... and do me a huge favor, don't even bother showing up in September!

Can someone PLEASE help me wash my hair?

OMG... an hour long bicep, tricep and AB workout with Kurt.... my arms are toast now, along with my abs... tomorrow when I gotta wash my hair and raise my hands above my head should prove very interesting to say the least....

But man are my arms pumped up.... taped them... 15" they are pretty tight and full right now...

Is it Tuesday YET!!!!

That would be Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 9pm when my flight lands in Sanford Airport in Florida! And the start of many wonderful things....

I swear I can't think or concentrate on anything...

Baby got back! from Friday

Less than a week now!

till my trip to Florida... one last visit before the move in September... originally it was a planned trip with mom and aunt to secure housing... well they put a damper on that, but its for the best.. they are not moving and, truth is, it IS for the best...

So I am going to have in depth frank conversation with brother and his partner since I will be living with them for a bit (probably not real long ;o) - establish some ground rules, figure out rent... I will do some job hunting whilst there but... I've really got a great idea that I need to sell our district on, it would benefit me in a way of a paycheck for a few months and it would benefit them in someone that knows how and would work like a dog to clean up the system....

but the MOST exciting part of this trip......

MATT!!!!!!!!! yes the soul mate I've eluded too...

i know some y'all might think I've lost it completely but I am positive this is it... my future husband, father of my unborn children, my soul mate... my till death do us part... its not worth trying to convince anyone and truth is no one but ME needs to BE convinced. but I know... without a doubt or ounce of hesitation in my heart... I KNOW.

so 20 yrs from now... when we are still together and more in love than today... I will have to pull this post back up :o)

Trying to hit my legs twice a week.... lately on Saturday I get a pounding by Kurt James from Xsport Fitness in Elmhurst IL...He pushes me pretty damn hard and you know your gonna be sore when 10 minutes in your sweating like a P I G! Rarely do you actually get to rest in between sets because he's got ya doing abs - and it can take 2-3 days to be able to walk normally again...

But on Wednesdays I try and hit them again but a much lighter load... no heavy squats or extensions or anything... a lot of isometric stuff, walking lunges, squats w/o weight but on the bosu ball, step ups... really focusing on the muscle contraction... then I went and put in my time on the treadmill on an incline... sigh.... I hate cardio...

Dinner w/Jen

Last Friday met up with my friend Jen... at Shaw's Crab House in Schaumburg IL... mmmm sushi - great dinner, great conversation, great company! Jen is just one of those beautiful people, inside and out!

God Moments/Godwinks

This was a portion of an email I sent to someone regarding a God Moment I had at Church on Sunday the 19th

So today at church was a totally freaky few moments. The youth group just got back from a service mission to West Virginia and a few of the kids at each service were telling of their experience. So this beautiful young blond gal, maybe 15 or 16 gets up to share her experience and she is still emotional from the other story told prior to hers. Her story is so wonderful, I mean how cool is it that these young kids have God in their life now, are serving His purpose and at such a young age. But she pauses for a moment and starts to tear up, saying that prior to this trip she wasn’t ‘feeling’ God, she said lately I’ve not been the best kid, I’ve been moody and angry and nasty to my parents, she went on to say that her grandmother had passed away a couple of months before and it just really hit her hard and she questioned God – questioned her faith – and her exact words were what I put in an email to you LAST NIGHT! She said I didn’t think God could love me if I wasn’t a perfect Christian. I really lost it. I mean don’t you think it strange that the very words I uttered to you at 11pm last night in an email were almost verbatim the words this young girl said today when sharing her story?

I mean really the exact words I uttered to Matt in an email at like 11pm on Saturday night are the same words I hear at church... in same email I go on to say how I've always wanted God just to 'fix' things in my life... I've never asked him for the strength to get thru those things, nope just fix it - so what was sermon on the 19th about... ya you guessed it... asking God for strength and not asking him to 'fix it' because sometimes you need to go thru those things to get you to where you are intended to be..

So onto a new week and now its yesterday the 26th in church... I pick up my friend Robin we go workout and are having this conversation...

ME - Robin did you ever notice in your life when you just 'let go' when you stop feeling this need to control everything how other things just start to fall into place? When you just have faith and let go things start to happen?

Robin - smiling what makes you think YOU ever HAD control?

Me - ok my illusion of control... its how I survived some pretty horrible things as a child and its how I've gotten thru my adult life thus far

Robin - still smiling... Kim God has always been in control that is the reality and yes when you just let Him do His job, things do fall into place, maybe not how you expect but how they are supposed to be.

Me - yeah and it just makes you feel so much more at peace with other things too...

so we finish our workout, shower, hit church.... HELLO can YOU guess what was said in sermon... exactly about letting go of the control you THINK you have and giving it to God - let go, let God - and how when you do, things just start to happen... I swear to you its like God is doing this purposely to really show me something really make me wake up and let me know that what is going on in my life, the feelings for Him I am feeling, the feelings for Matt, the envisioning of a future... are exactly what is supposed to be.. it was almost eerie and Robin and I both looked at each other... i mean gosh we just said the same darn thing in a conversation that morning...

so ok, God moments are supposed to happen in church right? Right! but what about those times your not in church and they happen...

Last night on the phone with Matt and he asked if I've seen or heard of the movie Fireproof - dont even recall how we got on the subject of movies to be quite honest but I said I had heard the name but knew nothing of the movie or what it was about... ok he said when you are here we will watch it together.. but he said there is something I need to get you that goes along with the movie but its a surprise.... OH I love surprises so I made him promise to say no more..

So today at work I thought hhmm wonder what movie is about... so I look it up on the internet... and I almost pissed myself when I read the first line of the trailer...I started to cry because now this is REALLY getting eerie...

The movie is about a firefighter and his wife who's marriage is on the edge of doom, the decide to call it quits but his father asks them to give it 40 days and to take this dare... and gives them a book called THE LOVE DARE....

OK does anyone want to fucking guess what book i picked up in the store about 5 days ago????? yeah, exactly a book titled THE LOVE DARE... it is a real book and its a 40 day journey for couples about .. here is what back cover says

the love dare is a 40 day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong. the love dare is a journey you need to take. its time to learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage. Take the dare.

I love self help books, love spiritual stuff..so 5ish days ago I'm perusing the book aisle, see this, read the back cover and figure ok so I am not married but the concept/idea of the book intriques me...and I purchase it...

well when I read the trailer of the movie Matt and I spoke of, Fireproof, read about this book in the movie.. yeah... God is working here people I dont give a shit what anyone thinks...

I immediately sent Matt a text, said the surprise you were going to get regarding that movie, if it was a book called THE LOVE DARE... mmmm don't buy the book babe, I have it... I bought it 5 days ago...

so I already decided before charm #3 happened today... I am no longer holding back... no longer will I question God and his path and love for me, no longer will I rage this battle between head and heart I am feeling for Matt, nope done, over, finite...

I am letting go... I am letting God guide me and I know that he has placed Matt with me, and me with him for a reason... and I will enjoy spending the rest of my days figuring out just what that reason is - i have NEVER and I do mean NEVER felt so sure of something in my life....

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!

Workouts

Yesterday I mixed it up a bit with Robin.. when I workout with others sometimes its fun to just do what they are doing to just do something different...

So we did two exercises for chest Barbell Bench Press and DB incline fly... but with BB bench we did 20 sets of 5 reps and with flys 10 sets of 10 reps...

so BB Bench 5 reps x 5 sets x 115 lbs, then I had to lower the weight a bit 5 reps x 14 sets x 105 lbs and last set was 5 x 1 x 110

Flys firsts set was 10 reps @ 20, rest were 10 reps @ 30 lbs then posing practice

Today was back and abs and cardio....

WG Lat Pulldown

3 x 10 @ 100

Dead Lift

3 x 8 @ 135

DB Row

3 x 10 @ 50

CG Pulldown

2 x 10 @ 100
1 x 10 @ 120

cardio today was stepmill 60 minutes, 245 floors, 5.13 miles

Soulmates - Do YOU believe???

Yeah never thought I did either... well ok that's a lie... I do believe in them just maybe until you find yours its hard to really embrace the concept??? dunno....

Every since I was little I've dreamed of that Prince Charming, that Knight in Shining Armour.... that one true soul, that one person, that God created to be with me... and this is not a dis to anyone, friend, lover, husband that has been in my life to this point, but truth is... I hadn't found that 'person' - and there is nothing wrong with saying that... I have had WONDERFUL men in my life... i truly have... even my ex husband.... I have had supportive peeps and not supportive peeps in my life, but never really truly 'felt' I had found that ONE.... and I was starting to be ok with the concept of, eh, maybe you've read to many romance novels, watched to many love movies, maybe... that whole soulmate thing doesn't exist after all....

but then I see it in others... my friend Robin/Rich... OMG they are not perfect but they are a couple I love being around because even after years of marriage... when you are near them.... you can literally feel their love for each other... and while I don't know them AS well... Steve/Janet, married at 17 celebrated 16 yrs together and 2 very active daughters... but there is this electric chemistry you can feel between them... so... I KNOW soulmates exist.... just started thinking.. well, maybe God does not feel I am worthy of my soul mate..

Ha God said... I will show you Kimberly... I will give you what you wished and hoped for, but.... will you be willing to take the chance? will you be willing to risk your heart... and will you finally be willing to accept ME....well I've been having a mental head and emotional heart battle for about 3 wks now, that finally, I have let go of...

I don't want to get all preachy on anyone, y'all have a right to your own beliefs, thoughts, ideas, opinions or whatever regarding God.... but I can tell you without a ounce of doubt in my 3 pounds of mushy grey matter upstairs there IS a God and HE has been talking directly to me - not as in like a conversation I have with my friends, or my brother on the phone, but in a sense of putting people in my path lately...and the last two Sundays, today and last week... I attended church... only to hear exact words I literally said to someone the night before in an email and today in a very conversation my friend Robin and I had what 2 hrs before church...

I'm sorry but its happened two Sundays in a row and to me it is no longer coincidence its a direct conversation with God and I... I know go ahead call the men in white coats... I know its not vogue in today's day and age to talk like that..OMG how dare we discuss religion... how dare we profess our love for God or gasp mention we believe.. and tell ya what... 3ish wks ago, EYE would have thought I was freakin' nuts

NOT ANY MORE! a lot and I mean a LOT is going to change in my life because I am letting go and trusting that this person God has placed before me, this gift He has given me, is just that a precious gift, that person He created for me and I have had to go thru everything I've been thru from childhood till now, to be prepared for it.. I know its crazy... me who can't believe in what she can't see, feel, hear or touch.... but tell ya what... I HAVE heard God loud and clear...

for some it takes a tragic accident for them to see life differently, for some the death of a loved one (well ok I've had my share of that too) for me... God just put me thru my paces with a trying and troubled childhood... but its ok... I accept it now... I can't explain it but I am at peace right now with a lot of things that I've struggled with for so very long.

I am going to let go, let God have control... I won't be perfect at it, yet, He does not expect that, but I will do my human best to let Him guide me in all that is to come...

Contest Prep Update

geesh where DOES time go? Some days I wonder... and why is it weekends always go so quickly, yet the work week just drags its ass?

And vacation....OMG don't get me started its like forever before it gets here, waiting, anticipating, packing, thinking of all the fun you'll have, then BAM its time to come home... and for me... I know this upcoming vacation will be just that...

GONE in the blink of an eye...

So gosh where to start.... Ok contest prep...

after my struggle for a bit after photo shoots on June 21 and a firm lashing from PJ of no more FUCKING AROUND, yeah think those were his exact words... I started kicking it in high gear... thankfully after last weeks photo update he said I see we are getting somewhere... its like a job review.. even if your perfect at each task they can't give you out and out perfect remarks cause, well, there IS always room for improvement right...

This week has been an all out cuss feast with my scale... I hate when you do what your supposed to to the letter and the number on the scale screws with your head, so I have not stepped on it in a couple of days... I am sure I will get another stern talking to but if mentally I let that number rule my thoughts I am screwed... I know my physique is changing because week to week the same pair of pants gets baggier and baggier.... plus my period is doing some damn whacky shit... I hope its not menopause issues cause well got some news there... sharing for another post but honestly I think its all this contest prep just throwing me off balance hormonally... but let me just say a period like every two weeks, even if its only lasting a day or two, BLOWS!

So yesterday marked 6 wks out.... 42 days - which means my impending move isn't that far off either... so this leads me to another subject of where i might end up after all... and the concept of soulmates....