some days I feel like Dear Abby... friends asking what should I do about X, how should I respond about Y??? I am no expert... good gosh I've been married twice, been in some odd relationships.. I am a food addict, I binge eat, yet your asking my relationship advice???? I am ok with offer advice when asked.. does not mean my advice is gospel... heck its only opinion, my thoughts as an outsider looking in..
and that IN is not just at YOUR relationship(s) it is also looking in at my own...
but tonight my friend D gave me about the best compliment he could have given and I don't even believe he is aware of it..
ME: we are all subject to weakness that is why Jesus made that sacrafice for ALL of us. we fall short.. embrace it and KNOW you are loved..
D: YOu are spending a lot of time in seminary dear
ME: Right where EYE need to be w/o God first the rest makes no sense, least to me lately.
D: God and I are not speaking right now.. I have nothing to say lately
ME: I do understand that believe it or not you wont' mind if I pray for you though will you?
D: you are wasting your breath but knock yourself out
Me: No I AM NOT
D: sorry just been cynical and I am not trying to offend
ME: No offense taken you are worth the effort and prayers my friend like it or not I love and care for you
D: YOU ARE SO MATERNAL...
imagine that.. me...maternal... OMG that was like the best compliment my friend could have ever EVER given me
ME: don't mean to come off or treat you like a child I hope that is not how I come off I just love and care about you and hate to see you hurting.
D: I know that. I don't feel you are treating me like a child either. at least YOU care and that I appreciate.. its nice to know someone does...
imagine.. ME... maternal.... I don't think I could have gotten a better compliment today...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Your body is a Temple - Treat it as such!
There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19 The Message
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for some reason this means a lot more to me than just engaging in pre-marital sex, it also means taking care of this body God has granted me while I am here, eating right and exercising and staying healthy... Thank you Jehanne!
1 Corinthians 6:19 The Message
*************************************************************************************
for some reason this means a lot more to me than just engaging in pre-marital sex, it also means taking care of this body God has granted me while I am here, eating right and exercising and staying healthy... Thank you Jehanne!
Phil Stacey - Free Concert
Phil Stacey
Aug 24, 2009 07:00 PM
Elmhurst Christian Reformed Church
155 W. Brush Hill Rd.
Elmhurst , IL 60126
A FREE concert!
American Idol Season 6 finalist Phil Stacey!
With music from his new CD “Into the Light”... including "You're Not Shaken".
Phil will be signing autographs after the show.
Aug 24, 2009 07:00 PM
Elmhurst Christian Reformed Church
155 W. Brush Hill Rd.
Elmhurst , IL 60126
A FREE concert!
American Idol Season 6 finalist Phil Stacey!
With music from his new CD “Into the Light”... including "You're Not Shaken".
Phil will be signing autographs after the show.
God's Training Wheels???
Why do some feel if you are not as good as them at something then you are just a waste of time?
Its funny sometimes you have people that encourage you in life.. encourage you at things that are new to YOU... be those things a new job, being a new parent, embarking on a new sport such as bodybuilding or triathlon, or maybe.... learning how to let go and accept God into your life?
How can you profess to be a "Christian" then in the next breath you are putting down someone that may not be as perfect a Christian as you think you are???? If you ask me that is the opposite of what Jesus would expect of you the so called perfect Christian - don't ya think?
Listen I KNOW I am not perfect... I KNOW I struggle daily with accepting this new way of life... I KNOW I have trust issues and sadly for me, yes, even trust God 100% as I should is hard for me RIGHT NOW
I don't think it will always be this way... If I can make an analogy that, well, makes sense to me but maybe no one else...
When you were little and riding a bike for the first time you likely had training wheels... and you trusted those training wheels would keep you upright... but then the time came for the training wheels to come off and now all your trust in yourself was out the window... so your mom or dad held onto the back of your seat as they guided you down the sidewalk... you started to feel comfortable and picked up some speed... mom or dad are now running along side you, sensing your confidence... till eventually they felt confident enough to let go and let you fly on your own...likely what happened is you fell many times, got scraped up, bumped, bruised and bleeding from the fall but determined, you saddled up again, and again, and again... till eventually, one day.... you stayed upright the whole way...
to me this is what learning to accept and trust God feels like (if that makes any sense) perhaps a friend introduces you to Jesus, be it an invite to church or a spoken word... it plants that seed.. but your unsure of yourself... am I confident enough, can I do this, can I soar???? so this friend walks along side you, guiding you, not judging you, but gently reminding you when you fall that its ok.... then friend starts to run along side you as they feel confident to let go of your seat at some point watching you soar... only to see you fall a little way up the road.... but they come to your side (just as your mom or dad did) and even though you are bumped, bruised and bleeding, they embrace you, pray for you, and tell you to get up and try again... and so you do, you saddle up on your path and then eventually one day...
you learn to stay upright walking with Jesus the whole way.
I am that little child learning to ride her bike without the training wheels...so if you see me fall, maybe, but especially if you profess to be a Christian, you should stop and pick up the child, help bandage her boo boo, and encourage her to try again.
Just a thought :o) but nonetheless I WILL pray for you that you learn YOU are not the judge... the only judge I need in or about my life is Jesus, thank you...
And a funny story... when I was a child learning to ride my bike... I was so afraid to give up the training wheels "but daddy I will fall" I had so many reasons I did not want my dad to take away my training wheels... so one day while we were riding, WITH training wheels... it was time for lunch... in I go to eat my sandwich only to come out and find OMG someone stole my training wheels... yeah ok I was a child who had no concept that someone would not just steal training wheels....this was how my father got the training wheels off my bike without it looking to me like he did it... I was his princess and he would have wanted nothing to make his princess think he would do such a thing as take away her training wheels... but this was his sneaky way of finally getting me to learn to ride without that crutch...long after my mother and he divorced and we were speaking after many years... I asked him about this story and know what... he still would not admit he was the one that 'stole' my training wheels...
Its funny sometimes you have people that encourage you in life.. encourage you at things that are new to YOU... be those things a new job, being a new parent, embarking on a new sport such as bodybuilding or triathlon, or maybe.... learning how to let go and accept God into your life?
How can you profess to be a "Christian" then in the next breath you are putting down someone that may not be as perfect a Christian as you think you are???? If you ask me that is the opposite of what Jesus would expect of you the so called perfect Christian - don't ya think?
Listen I KNOW I am not perfect... I KNOW I struggle daily with accepting this new way of life... I KNOW I have trust issues and sadly for me, yes, even trust God 100% as I should is hard for me RIGHT NOW
I don't think it will always be this way... If I can make an analogy that, well, makes sense to me but maybe no one else...
When you were little and riding a bike for the first time you likely had training wheels... and you trusted those training wheels would keep you upright... but then the time came for the training wheels to come off and now all your trust in yourself was out the window... so your mom or dad held onto the back of your seat as they guided you down the sidewalk... you started to feel comfortable and picked up some speed... mom or dad are now running along side you, sensing your confidence... till eventually they felt confident enough to let go and let you fly on your own...likely what happened is you fell many times, got scraped up, bumped, bruised and bleeding from the fall but determined, you saddled up again, and again, and again... till eventually, one day.... you stayed upright the whole way...
to me this is what learning to accept and trust God feels like (if that makes any sense) perhaps a friend introduces you to Jesus, be it an invite to church or a spoken word... it plants that seed.. but your unsure of yourself... am I confident enough, can I do this, can I soar???? so this friend walks along side you, guiding you, not judging you, but gently reminding you when you fall that its ok.... then friend starts to run along side you as they feel confident to let go of your seat at some point watching you soar... only to see you fall a little way up the road.... but they come to your side (just as your mom or dad did) and even though you are bumped, bruised and bleeding, they embrace you, pray for you, and tell you to get up and try again... and so you do, you saddle up on your path and then eventually one day...
you learn to stay upright walking with Jesus the whole way.
I am that little child learning to ride her bike without the training wheels...so if you see me fall, maybe, but especially if you profess to be a Christian, you should stop and pick up the child, help bandage her boo boo, and encourage her to try again.
Just a thought :o) but nonetheless I WILL pray for you that you learn YOU are not the judge... the only judge I need in or about my life is Jesus, thank you...
And a funny story... when I was a child learning to ride my bike... I was so afraid to give up the training wheels "but daddy I will fall" I had so many reasons I did not want my dad to take away my training wheels... so one day while we were riding, WITH training wheels... it was time for lunch... in I go to eat my sandwich only to come out and find OMG someone stole my training wheels... yeah ok I was a child who had no concept that someone would not just steal training wheels....this was how my father got the training wheels off my bike without it looking to me like he did it... I was his princess and he would have wanted nothing to make his princess think he would do such a thing as take away her training wheels... but this was his sneaky way of finally getting me to learn to ride without that crutch...long after my mother and he divorced and we were speaking after many years... I asked him about this story and know what... he still would not admit he was the one that 'stole' my training wheels...
QOTD - August 22, 2009
"Woman was taken out of man; not out of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot; but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved
Friday, August 21, 2009
Secrets behind closed doors
What do you do in secret?
What do you do when no one else is watching you?
Would you do those same things IF someone was watching?
For some its drinking... maybe they are a closet alcoholic. I really think this was my ex... he was not what one thinks of when you think of an alcoholic.. my definition, prior to this, was always someone that was out and out drunk all the time.. this was not him.. he was not drunk 24/7, but when I look back with the exception of when he was on day shift and going in at 5am, he always had a pretty stiff mixed drink going out the door with him.
For some its drugs... behind the veil of the closed door no one knows right? for a while this was me (and the ex) - my drug friends knew I did drugs cause they did them with me, but I can tell you even my closest friend who is anti drug had no idea that is how well I could hide it. Now I hate needles so I never went that far, not like that makes me any better or anything, so there would have never been visible track marks... now the nose bleeds and constant stuff nose I could always explain away to allergies or whatever... Man if I could have 1/2 of the money I spent or 1/2 of the sleep I lost during my hey day of doing blow.... I might not have to work for a good year.
this lifestyle ultimately killed my ex. we did not have the traditional I HATE YOU divorce, in fact we remained friends, we would keep in touch via phone, email, texts, IM whatever...In fact his death hit me pretty hard - when I woke up one day and said EYE had enough and knew I would be dead if I didn't stop... there were many times I tried to push him to stop... many times to the anger level and saying "if you don't stop what your doing you will make me a widow before your 50" - well he didn't make me a widow because we divorced before that point but he passed away Oct 20, 2007 at 47 yrs of age - he would have been 48 on April 28, 2008... in my quest lately to let God more in my life, learning His purpose for me.... I'd like to think Mike is in heaven and I will see him again but I don't know now and honestly that breaks my heart.
On one of my Florida visits in June... I went on a coffee date with someone from one of the dating websites and of course during conversations talk of his ex and mine came up in conversations... at one point he turned to me and said do you realize you don't say your ex you say my husband? It hit me like a ton of bricks because I really had NOT noticed this at all - I guess the reality is I never stopped loving him and I probably still haven't even with the realization now that Mike was not the soul mate I've sought in my dreams - he WAS a great man, a kind man but what we had was more of a great friendship than a true husband/wife marriage...
but I am getting off topic....but for anyone that really knows me... this is how I am in real life.. one thing gets you thinking about something else, and that something else, and that something else... then eventually you wind up back to where you started and why you started :o) its how I clean too... start in living room, take something to the kitchen, then you see something in kitchen that you need to do and then something in kitchen takes you to the bathroom, so you do a few things in there and then something in there takes you to the bedroom and, well, you get the idea!!!!!
For some its out of control spending... not the same if your 'shopping' on the internet is it? or... is it? if you don't have the money and your putting your purchase on a credit card that is damn near its limit and all the while you know in your heart what your doing is wrong and will only bring you more grief after you hit the PURCHASE button - there is a problem...
For me its binge eating. I know hard to believe that for a period of time I can reign it in, I can take my physique to a level that is not normally seen for a 43 (soon to be 44 yr old) but somehow I get to THAT point and something snaps. And much like a drug addict or an alcoholic the entire time I am binging... I am saying in my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? the entire time I am in my favorite place to get my 'fix' Walgreens or CVS I am saying in my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
So if that is the case, if you know what your doing is harming you or wrong, then WHY do we do it? What causes this? Do we really think no one else knows?
I have allowed myself to get off track and I need to reel it in before it gets too out of hand and this needs to happen NOW.... maybe that nagging voice in my head and my heart that I hear is Jesus talking to me... Jesus asking me 'Kim what are you doing' because the truth of the matter is...while you may think what your doing in secret is just that a secret...
but rest assured God knows exactly what your doing... So when you think no one is watching... think again...
What do you do when no one else is watching you?
Would you do those same things IF someone was watching?
For some its drinking... maybe they are a closet alcoholic. I really think this was my ex... he was not what one thinks of when you think of an alcoholic.. my definition, prior to this, was always someone that was out and out drunk all the time.. this was not him.. he was not drunk 24/7, but when I look back with the exception of when he was on day shift and going in at 5am, he always had a pretty stiff mixed drink going out the door with him.
For some its drugs... behind the veil of the closed door no one knows right? for a while this was me (and the ex) - my drug friends knew I did drugs cause they did them with me, but I can tell you even my closest friend who is anti drug had no idea that is how well I could hide it. Now I hate needles so I never went that far, not like that makes me any better or anything, so there would have never been visible track marks... now the nose bleeds and constant stuff nose I could always explain away to allergies or whatever... Man if I could have 1/2 of the money I spent or 1/2 of the sleep I lost during my hey day of doing blow.... I might not have to work for a good year.
this lifestyle ultimately killed my ex. we did not have the traditional I HATE YOU divorce, in fact we remained friends, we would keep in touch via phone, email, texts, IM whatever...In fact his death hit me pretty hard - when I woke up one day and said EYE had enough and knew I would be dead if I didn't stop... there were many times I tried to push him to stop... many times to the anger level and saying "if you don't stop what your doing you will make me a widow before your 50" - well he didn't make me a widow because we divorced before that point but he passed away Oct 20, 2007 at 47 yrs of age - he would have been 48 on April 28, 2008... in my quest lately to let God more in my life, learning His purpose for me.... I'd like to think Mike is in heaven and I will see him again but I don't know now and honestly that breaks my heart.
On one of my Florida visits in June... I went on a coffee date with someone from one of the dating websites and of course during conversations talk of his ex and mine came up in conversations... at one point he turned to me and said do you realize you don't say your ex you say my husband? It hit me like a ton of bricks because I really had NOT noticed this at all - I guess the reality is I never stopped loving him and I probably still haven't even with the realization now that Mike was not the soul mate I've sought in my dreams - he WAS a great man, a kind man but what we had was more of a great friendship than a true husband/wife marriage...
but I am getting off topic....but for anyone that really knows me... this is how I am in real life.. one thing gets you thinking about something else, and that something else, and that something else... then eventually you wind up back to where you started and why you started :o) its how I clean too... start in living room, take something to the kitchen, then you see something in kitchen that you need to do and then something in kitchen takes you to the bathroom, so you do a few things in there and then something in there takes you to the bedroom and, well, you get the idea!!!!!
For some its out of control spending... not the same if your 'shopping' on the internet is it? or... is it? if you don't have the money and your putting your purchase on a credit card that is damn near its limit and all the while you know in your heart what your doing is wrong and will only bring you more grief after you hit the PURCHASE button - there is a problem...
For me its binge eating. I know hard to believe that for a period of time I can reign it in, I can take my physique to a level that is not normally seen for a 43 (soon to be 44 yr old) but somehow I get to THAT point and something snaps. And much like a drug addict or an alcoholic the entire time I am binging... I am saying in my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? the entire time I am in my favorite place to get my 'fix' Walgreens or CVS I am saying in my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
So if that is the case, if you know what your doing is harming you or wrong, then WHY do we do it? What causes this? Do we really think no one else knows?
I have allowed myself to get off track and I need to reel it in before it gets too out of hand and this needs to happen NOW.... maybe that nagging voice in my head and my heart that I hear is Jesus talking to me... Jesus asking me 'Kim what are you doing' because the truth of the matter is...while you may think what your doing in secret is just that a secret...
but rest assured God knows exactly what your doing... So when you think no one is watching... think again...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
a Fork in the road....
while I am still a bit torn with my decision, I am feeling a sense of peace that I have not felt in many weeks. Is that a sign I don't know.
Since returning from Florida I spend each morning I wake reading my next chapter in The Purpose Driven Life... sometimes I think about what I read all day before actually writing in my journal and sharing it with Matt..
Since returning from Florida I spend every lunch break reading something spiritual, be it some of the devotional stuff sent to my in box, be it the Bible, be it another blogger on the net walking a similar path...
And since returning from Florida I spend each night re-reading that same chapter in The Purpose Driven Life and if I have not already, I then write about that days purpose question in the journal... then I take some time to read in the bible the scriptures quoted in that chapter...
i guess the long/short of it and reason I seem to be babbling on... is once I said out loud to myself and well God that my heart was not in this competition and I didn't feel I was doing it for the right reasons (or somewhere those reasons changed since I began this journey in November) and I asked God for his forgiveness for any compromises I've made to Him or myself along the way, and asked for Him to bring me peace with this decision and to not look upon me as a quitter...
when I said it out loud... I did feel a sense of calm wash over me.... I know in the days/weeks ahead I will still question what I did the decision I made..
I think anytime your faced with a fork in the road and compelled to go right, even if it is God's will that we GO right, I think as fail-able humans we will always wonder about 'what IF we had gone left' and a part of me thinks God knows this and is ok with this as long as we embrace the decision we did make.
I will compete again, it just won't be Sept 5th and that is ok.
Since returning from Florida I spend each morning I wake reading my next chapter in The Purpose Driven Life... sometimes I think about what I read all day before actually writing in my journal and sharing it with Matt..
Since returning from Florida I spend every lunch break reading something spiritual, be it some of the devotional stuff sent to my in box, be it the Bible, be it another blogger on the net walking a similar path...
And since returning from Florida I spend each night re-reading that same chapter in The Purpose Driven Life and if I have not already, I then write about that days purpose question in the journal... then I take some time to read in the bible the scriptures quoted in that chapter...
i guess the long/short of it and reason I seem to be babbling on... is once I said out loud to myself and well God that my heart was not in this competition and I didn't feel I was doing it for the right reasons (or somewhere those reasons changed since I began this journey in November) and I asked God for his forgiveness for any compromises I've made to Him or myself along the way, and asked for Him to bring me peace with this decision and to not look upon me as a quitter...
when I said it out loud... I did feel a sense of calm wash over me.... I know in the days/weeks ahead I will still question what I did the decision I made..
I think anytime your faced with a fork in the road and compelled to go right, even if it is God's will that we GO right, I think as fail-able humans we will always wonder about 'what IF we had gone left' and a part of me thinks God knows this and is ok with this as long as we embrace the decision we did make.
I will compete again, it just won't be Sept 5th and that is ok.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
My apology....
Where to start? That is difficult to say so I am just going to start and this may end up being disjointed as hell.
I will begin with, I AM SORRY… really truly and deeply sorry for anyone I have let down or disappointed in this decision I have made. I know I have disappointed friends, family, myself to some extent and parts of me feel like I have disappointed God….
But the funny thing is as I strive to understand Him and His will for me on a daily basis (sorry if you don’t understand that but it’s not for anyone but me to understand)…. I felt a sense of peace I have not felt in many weeks when I made my decision NOT to do this competition on Sept 5th today.
I will send an even stronger I am sorry to anyone that has purchased tickets or made and bought plane reservations for that weekend. Please know if you have and you still wish to come to Chicago… my home and anything and everything I am and I have will be at your disposal.
I am dealing with some issues medically, of which I don’t care to discuss… Dealing with some things financially and the cost of competing just don’t make sense any more when so many other important things need to take precedents. Dealing with some things emotionally and the biggest one is when I am questioning WHY I am doing this every single day for days and weeks on end something isn’t right.
I have never had the false idea that competing isn’t hard, if it was easy lots would do it… I know it takes some moxie to get thru this tough time... I’ve been there… I’ve done that – but right now…. My heart is NOT in it to do it now – that does not mean I am giving up on me or keeping my physique in check… does not mean I won’t continue to work out because I LOVE the way that makes me feel – it just means that for me, right now, I don’t feel the need to make this my life… at the end of the day I get a flipping trophy if I am lucky, and a credit card debt that I may never be able to repay, and have to wonder how many friends, family and loved ones did I alienate in the process of becoming this uber obsessed bitch…
When I did triathlons for two summers I always said when it STOPPED being fun it was time to stop doing it… and that did not mean I had to win… or even place or show for that matter… it just meant when I could not get up every day and enjoy WHAT I was doing it would be time to stop… THIS has not been fun anymore... and believe me there were days in triathlon training that it wasn’t fun but most days were, most days I looked forward to… but lately every single day getting up at 3am lifting for an hour, doing 1.5 hrs of cardio be it split in AM/PM or done in one fell swoop, has not been fun… I have alienated others but more importantly I have become someone I don’t like anymore – and I Have worked to damn hard in therapy to like myself to let something like a hobby that I don’t even get paid for set me back like this. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and like who I see looking back and while I like the physique I see, I am not liking the persona I have become…
I don’t want to say I don’t care if you don’t understand but I have to do this for me, not for anyone but myself and the glory of God…. Lately, it’s not been about either and when I stop doing things for the right reasons something needs to change, period.
Again… I am sorry to anyone who feels I have let them down… I will take that pain with me for a long time but at the end of the day I need to be right with God and with myself. I have made some compromises I am not proud of and I need to redeem some things and set them right before it’s too late.
Now I am going to go for a walk and clear my head...
I will begin with, I AM SORRY… really truly and deeply sorry for anyone I have let down or disappointed in this decision I have made. I know I have disappointed friends, family, myself to some extent and parts of me feel like I have disappointed God….
But the funny thing is as I strive to understand Him and His will for me on a daily basis (sorry if you don’t understand that but it’s not for anyone but me to understand)…. I felt a sense of peace I have not felt in many weeks when I made my decision NOT to do this competition on Sept 5th today.
I will send an even stronger I am sorry to anyone that has purchased tickets or made and bought plane reservations for that weekend. Please know if you have and you still wish to come to Chicago… my home and anything and everything I am and I have will be at your disposal.
I am dealing with some issues medically, of which I don’t care to discuss… Dealing with some things financially and the cost of competing just don’t make sense any more when so many other important things need to take precedents. Dealing with some things emotionally and the biggest one is when I am questioning WHY I am doing this every single day for days and weeks on end something isn’t right.
I have never had the false idea that competing isn’t hard, if it was easy lots would do it… I know it takes some moxie to get thru this tough time... I’ve been there… I’ve done that – but right now…. My heart is NOT in it to do it now – that does not mean I am giving up on me or keeping my physique in check… does not mean I won’t continue to work out because I LOVE the way that makes me feel – it just means that for me, right now, I don’t feel the need to make this my life… at the end of the day I get a flipping trophy if I am lucky, and a credit card debt that I may never be able to repay, and have to wonder how many friends, family and loved ones did I alienate in the process of becoming this uber obsessed bitch…
When I did triathlons for two summers I always said when it STOPPED being fun it was time to stop doing it… and that did not mean I had to win… or even place or show for that matter… it just meant when I could not get up every day and enjoy WHAT I was doing it would be time to stop… THIS has not been fun anymore... and believe me there were days in triathlon training that it wasn’t fun but most days were, most days I looked forward to… but lately every single day getting up at 3am lifting for an hour, doing 1.5 hrs of cardio be it split in AM/PM or done in one fell swoop, has not been fun… I have alienated others but more importantly I have become someone I don’t like anymore – and I Have worked to damn hard in therapy to like myself to let something like a hobby that I don’t even get paid for set me back like this. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and like who I see looking back and while I like the physique I see, I am not liking the persona I have become…
I don’t want to say I don’t care if you don’t understand but I have to do this for me, not for anyone but myself and the glory of God…. Lately, it’s not been about either and when I stop doing things for the right reasons something needs to change, period.
Again… I am sorry to anyone who feels I have let them down… I will take that pain with me for a long time but at the end of the day I need to be right with God and with myself. I have made some compromises I am not proud of and I need to redeem some things and set them right before it’s too late.
Now I am going to go for a walk and clear my head...
Struggling... terribly...
this may not make sense to one flipping person but those that really know me or compete in this sport... but mentally I am struggling...part of me says this is so not important anymore, another part of me knows I will feel like I failed if I don't go thru with it...but do I want to get up there NOT in the best condition I know I should have brought...
I know you that dont' have addictions maybe can't understand this...you don't just tell an alcoholic to stop drinking, or a drug addict to stop snorting or shooting up... give me a break for gosh sakes THEY KNOW THAT.. I can guarantee you AS they are doing it THAT is exactly what is going thru their heads... I know I shouldn't be doing this... yet mouth opens as the bottle comes up... viens pop out as the needle draws near...I've been addicted to drugs... there was a time my behind could not get out of bed or get thru a day without doing cocaine... My gosh I'd do it at work, do it while driving down the road... i spent countless amounts of money on it foresaking all else - but somehow I got out of that life...
however I can't seem to forever and always kick my addiction to food.... and I have let ugly demons rule my world this last week...I don't care if any of you understand, truthfully its not for YOU to understand... this is mearly me getting this out of my head...
I have failed friends, I have failed myself, but most of all right now... I feel like I've failed God... yet again....
I know you that dont' have addictions maybe can't understand this...you don't just tell an alcoholic to stop drinking, or a drug addict to stop snorting or shooting up... give me a break for gosh sakes THEY KNOW THAT.. I can guarantee you AS they are doing it THAT is exactly what is going thru their heads... I know I shouldn't be doing this... yet mouth opens as the bottle comes up... viens pop out as the needle draws near...I've been addicted to drugs... there was a time my behind could not get out of bed or get thru a day without doing cocaine... My gosh I'd do it at work, do it while driving down the road... i spent countless amounts of money on it foresaking all else - but somehow I got out of that life...
however I can't seem to forever and always kick my addiction to food.... and I have let ugly demons rule my world this last week...I don't care if any of you understand, truthfully its not for YOU to understand... this is mearly me getting this out of my head...
I have failed friends, I have failed myself, but most of all right now... I feel like I've failed God... yet again....
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