just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became

Monday, June 29, 2009

Change in Plans?

Well kind of, sort of... one thing that ain't changed..


Original plan back to Dec when I decided to move...I would room with my youngest brother for a couple months.

Mom/Aunt decide they want to move back and HEY lets all do this together and share some financial costs... OK can handle that... and gave them my rules of making this work, and asked for their rules - they, had none.. mine....

1 - no smoking in the house, period, not even your room

2 - we must go to FL in Aug and secure housing for September going forward

3 - by Aug they must have some money... about $2K, first/last months rent, utility deposits, gas money for Aug trip, deposit on rental truck, and money to put gas IN rental truck...

4 - no comments on my bodybuilding lifestyle, you don't like it, fine I can deal with that, keep your mouth shut and comments to yourself

5 - I am 43, I am single, I will date and from time to time there may be someone that stays over - never have been never will be a revolving door but truth is I am single and I am NOT a nun...

oh yes we can handle all those rules no problem... are you sure you don't have any for me... no it would just really help all of us out to be roommates for about 6 months..

This was a conversation back in January, EARLY January...So between Jan-Aug, you put away $200 a month and have the money to make this move... do ya think they did this??? FUCK NO!

I've listen to conversations and picked up on things here and there along the way regarding these two... and finally, Saturday, I'd had it. I finally told my mother, know what as much as I want this to work its not going to work... and I can't wait until the last second for you two to man up and tell me you won't have your money together to make this move...

This move is scary for me as it is... I mean I really REALLY feel it IS something I need to do, but its still scary... leaving a secure job for the unknown, in today's economy... Scary indeed... but I am stepping out of my comfort zone and doing it.. now does not mean it will turn out to be the right decision, who the fuck knows, but the reality is it IS my decision I AM doing this for me, and I could very well falter, but if I do so what... at least I didn't live in fear once again and just stay here and wonder...'what if'

So, unless I hear back from someone else regarding discussions we've had... then I guess I drop back to the original plan and impose on my brother and his partner for a month or so... and there is roommates.com also.. I've reactivated my profile, just in case.

Fuck any and all if they think their lack of indecision will stop me... I really do need to do this and do it for me... will having others as roommates make things easier for me... sure will, make things easier for them too - but I am not putting my life on hold waiting for answers from anyone else... Sept 18th is now 11 wks and what 5 days away...


Erin said...

Good for you! I am actually relieved you are going to be living with your mom. I know you think things have changed but that kind of change is really hard. Apparently, they haven't changed that much if this is where things stand. She still thinks of herself first. Fuck that, Kim. You are more than competent enough to make this work without them. You're gonna be just fine! {{{hugs}}}

Erin said...

I meant "relieved you AREN'T going to be living with your Mom"

Kim said...

In retrospect Erin it is a good thing.. I just wanted this to work more for personal reasons, more for a hope to mend our torn and tattered relationship.. I NEEDED that but I will not be getting it and she doesn't even get it and THAT hurts more than anything. Once I was past the anger of her waiting till almost the last moment to tell me, I realized how sad and hurt I was.

I just want to know in my heart I did everything I could to make amends so when her time comes and she is gone, I won't feel any guilt.

I think I have done all I can, she doesn't get it... it hurts but just as you can't make someone love or like you... I can't make my mom see the obvious either in how she has hurt me and did again... but no more... She is no longer allowed to knock the butterfly from my hand!

Erin said...

I love you!