just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled.
For God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one.
But don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated façade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself, that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare, I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh will kill me.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good, and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a façade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say.

I don’t like to hide.
I don’t like to play superficial phoney games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand even with that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator, an honest to God creator, of the person that is me, if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison, if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger the strong walls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn

I want more!

its been a long while, but I'm needing an outlet....
gosh last post was our Easter 2014 surprise visit to dad...
Dad is gone...
he lost his battle with cancer on October 14, 2015. 
I wished for many years to know the truth about him... Finally, shortly after my 47th b-day my mother finally told me the truth. 
I am so grateful, thankful, and blessed that he was still alive and that somehow, even many miles apart, we manage to forge a relationship.
BUT.... If I have to be honest... I wanted more...
More time
More memories,
ones to be made and ones made before we met, to be shared
More laughs, more tears...
I just wanted more!
I know someday, just as God finally answered my prayer to know him,
He will let me know why I couldn't have more...
or maybe He won't.
I'm not angry at God, but I am hurt that my time with dad was so short.
Folks often say we can't feel two conflicting emotions at the same time...
I beg to differ!
Because truly I am pissed off and grateful at the same time.
Selfishly I wanted more, but grateful I got 3 years (well almost)

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Surprise.... We're here...

Easter Weekend we had planned for a couple of months.  We wanted to surprise my dad and, we did!

We are in Charleston area of South Carolina, he is in Harrisburg IL (bout an hour west of Paducah KY).... all along dad thought my husband and I were going to head out for a road trip and end up in Florida.  Least that's what we told him...

We headed out Thursday night after work, drove 1/2 way, slept, and got to Harrisburg about lunch time... Called dad just to 'check in' - really we wanted to make sure he was home and hadn't run into town for lunch since we were about 2 driveways down at this point.  Yep he was home, in fact he'd just come in to rest a bit and get some lunch...


Unless you happen to be looking out the window the drive is far from the house so you'd not hear or see anyone coming up... we parked up by the barn and walked up to the house.  He rarely gets visitors, unless the cows are head butting the door for feed (which they do at times) - so he was a little taken back when he heard knocks... then the look on his face when he saw us on the other side was priceless (I wish I had my camera ready).

It was a great long weekend and we were all sad when it was time to head home.  But I thought I'd share some photo's from out trip there.

one of the many babies

she gets right down in that trough

More More or was it MOO MOO

this was the newest baby

Grinding hay for feeding

Kelly adores his father-in-law and I think its mutual

I'm not sure who had more fun, dad or Kelly

Farmer Paul 

the cows had gotten into a pasture he wasn't ready for them to be in yet

Farming is hard and dirty work

Fathers Day

For many years I never had a reason to celebrate Father's Day... yes obviously I have a father, but truth is, I had no idea who he was.

The first person I ever knew as a father, was Donald Cecil Hancock.  I've always called him my step-father, but he never adopted me.  In fact it wasn't until I was about 14 or so that I came to find he wasn't my father at all. 

I assume some years ago when I was registered for kindergarten, you likely never had to show a birth certificate (this would have been about 44yrs ago, give or take).  So I was registered in school as Kim Hancock.  I went thru life with that name.  But at about 14 or so, I was nosing around and found my birth certificate.

Imagine my shock when the name on it was Kimberly Rae Hampton!  I knew it had to be MY birth certificate, it was my mom's info, my date of birth, but the man listed as father, John Ray Hampton, this wasn't anyone I knew.

At this point I was told the 'truth' (not really) that this person was my father.  Don was indeed the father to my younger sibling (also named Don), but he wasn't my father.  I must stop and say that this man was a gem in my younger life, he never ONCE treated me as anything but his daughter.  For the short time he was in our lives (maybe 5 yrs) I was the princess.  He spoiled me, took me everywhere, showed me off.  He will always be a father to me in my heart and I look forward to the day I get to see him again in heaven.

Somewhere around 16-18 yrs of age... I recall my grandmother telling me that Hampton wasn't really my father either, rather someone my mother married to give me a last name.  I guess almost 49yrs ago it was a bit more taboo to have a child out of wedlock.  I confronted my mother with this and of course for many years she denied this "oh that's just your grandmother telling you stories"

So from my young teen years until the ripe ole age of 47 (almost 2yrs ago) I've never known who my real, biological father is.  Then one day I made a seemingly innocent status post on facebook that said "I don't know who my biological father is, but I must have his genes, because no one believes me when I say I'm 47" - this post was on my 47th birthday.

From this a gal I'd been FB friends with, but had never met in person, sent me a private message that she could help me find my father.  I told her it was highly unlikely as I didn't even know who he really was.  After telling her the story, she said "well lets find John Hampton, maybe he knows something"

I began to ping my mom with numerous questions.  I wanted to know more about Hampton, last known location, siblings, parents, graduation date, birthday, etc.  she responded with a simple text of Paul Rividge.  I was totally caught off guard, sitting at my desk at work, but knew, I knew exactly that after so many years of lies and stories to cover the truth, she was finally telling the truth.  See way back in my teen years when grandma told the REAL truth, she recalled a man named Paul, but that's about all she remembered. 

There is lots more to the story but needless to say, this gal in Iowa I'd never met, took this information and ran with it.  She was adamant that my mom had the spelling wrong.  And after questioning mom for more info, we came to realize he'd played in a band when he was 18ish.  That was a key piece of information as my friend started searching for garage bands, Indiana, 1960's.  And this is how she found him, and she was correct my mom had spelled his last name wrong.

According to my mom, she said last she heard he was into drugs and alcohol and had died of an overdose.  Looking back now I think this was just a ploy that she'd hoped would make me not look for him, if I thought he was dead.  WRONG!

Well we found him (or I should say my friend found him), and we (he and I) talked on the phone for the first time in September 2012.  We met for the first time Thanksgiving Week 2012. 

I've always felt like there was a part of me I knew nothing about, a biological void.  But now that void has been filled.  I wish he was living near us (he is in Southern IL), but its been wonderful getting to know him (we talk on the phone almost daily), he has been here to visit and we've gone there to visit.  But one of the best parts was having him here for my wedding in Sept2013. 

I admit I've been blessed to have had some wonderful father figures in my life, but it has truly been a blessing finding my biological father - and finally being able to call someone on Father's Day and wish him the best.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Its been a while

golly its been, mmmm, almost 2yrs since I've posted anything to this blog...

Needless to say, lots has transpired in that almost two years....

One of the best things was, I got engaged (Feb2012) and then married (Sept2013)...

He and I met on line... I know don't gasp, its the new night club... I've never been one to hang in bars, well ok, not of late, maybe in my younger years.  We met on a FREE dating website, Plenty of Fish.

Oh sure you have to throw back a lot of unworthy catches, but, if you keep at it, you might find that perfect catch.  Now that's not to say HE is perfect, he isn't, but then, neither am I.... but he is perfect for me.

Kelly and I

We also added to our family... We already had Chance, our black lab.  He has grown into a fine dog... he is so beautiful, and I don't say that because he is mine, he truly IS beautiful... see for yourself!

Chance AKC name Chances BlackMagic
But we added Gibson.  Now we don't know what he is or truly how old he is, but my heart melted when I first saw his face.  A friend of ours found him in the middle of the road in a downpour.  He was full of ticks and fleas, but having a heart for animals, she scooped him up, cleaned him up, then posted his precious face on her FB page.  And my darling husband tagged me in the picture... it was hard to resist his face...
Gibson (hard to resist that face)
go on, you know you couldn't resist it either.  He was 4.5lbs when we got him a couple weeks before Christmas of 2013.  He is now about 25-30lbs and just a wonderful addition to the family.
Gibson (Easter 2014)
And miracle of all miracles... just after I stopped posting on my blog a life long dream came to reality.  Just about Sept2012 my mother finally told me the truth about my birth/biological father.  While a story for another post, for almost 47yrs I never knew who my real dad was, and for some reason, she finally decided I deserved to know the truth.  And with the help of a friend I found him.  He is alive and living in southern IL and we got to meet for the first time Thanksgiving weekend 2012.  Since then we've formed a great relationship, granted mostly over the phone, we talk almost daily, but until I can convince him to move to South Carolina, I've got to work with what I have.  He is a dear sweet kind-hearted man and I've come to realize where a lot of my personality and love of animals comes from!  Folks say I look a lot like him, I don't know, y'all can decide for yourself.
my daddy and I

So them's the highlights... and now that I find myself not gainfully employed, maybe I'll have more time to get all the chatter that rolls around in my head, out.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Attitude of Gratitude Aug 8, 2012

I am grateful for my long hair and the ability to do nothing with it when I don't feel like it.

I am grateful for Kim Bazzle - oh I'll be cursing her later when the DOMS really sets in, but I'm appreciating the push

I am grateful for the rain making the brown things look green again

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Attitude of Gratitude Aug 7, 2012

I am grateful for my kindness

I am grateful for Lucie and her post!

I am grateful for a hot shower

Monday, August 6, 2012

Attitude of Gratitude Aug 6, 2012

I am grateful that today I got up and did even though I didn't want to

I am grateful for Elisha for joining us yesterday for the play, it was great to see her

I am grateful for kleenex with lotion, for some reason my nose wants to run today


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Attitude of Gratitude Aug 5, 2012

I am grateful for my improved self talk

I am grateful to the massage therapist... while I'm still sore I'm sure its less than what it would have been

I am grateful for the sense of togetherness our world feels during the Olympics, so grateful its something positive bringing us together not a tragedy