just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became
a BUTTERFLY!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Dark Highways of a Food Addict

I just wanna scream 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I am screaming it in my head yet I make no motions to do a damn thing about any of it.

My pants are tight, yet I continue to stuff crap in my mouth.

I can't stand looking at myself naked, its painful.

soon it will be warm here and I will have zero things to wear... my thighs rub together when I walk because all my weight goes south.

I swear every time I go through this cycle I won't get HERE again.. yet HERE is just where I am.

I don't want a drug to help me loose weight, i know how to do that, I know what to do... I want a drug that makes me AWARE of when I am gaining it back..


mentally


physically 
 

PAINFULLY

aware...

I want a drug that when I get above that magical 5lbs from where I want to be, where I feel good about me... it makes me FEEL and EXPERIENCE all this emotional pain and physical disgust I feel inside right now..

those emotions are so easily forgotten, this I know.. how many times have I been in this cycle since it all began in Jan 2002...at 215 pounds, and I've gained/lost/gained/lost... more times then even I can remember right now.


and as much as I talk the talk they will be easily forgotten again when I do this yet one more time.

I can't control the weather, I can't control other people (even though I think I can), I can't control a lot of situations... yet....the one situation I CAN control, always spirals into this head long out of control highway to hell.. and its so hard to turn the car around and go the other way once we've started down the dark road...

yet somewhere in the dark recesses of the dark highway that is our mind is a small speck of bright light that we must endeavor to walk toward, and while the darkness is so much greater than the light, right now, the closer we walk toward that bright spot, the easier and brighter it will become...


until once again one day we stand in full brightness.

2 comments:

Kevin Gwyn said...

Good morning Kim,
For some reason I just clicked the fitness word in my interest category and yours was the first name that popped up so I read your post. After I read your post I felt I could have written it myself. I am a member of 24 hour fitness; I own a nice recumbent bike and the Cadillac bowflex. I also have PX 90. I cant fit in my clothes anymore. I must lose weight and get into shape. I have put on 40lbs in the last year. For me I have no discipline. You on the other hand have discipline. You are going through a rough patch. Here is what I know. You are a child of the King and you have been bought by the Blood of the lamb. From the pictures, I would say you are a Warrior Princess.
In my blog this morning I wrote about this very thing. It is all about choice. http://thevisionseeker.blogspot.com/
You will come out of this and you will walk in victory once again.
Kevin

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh girl I feel your pain except I don't have the drive at all to do anything about it. I have never devoted time like you to my body. You should be so proud of yourself...You will get back...don't beat yourself up because you look great.