WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I am screaming it in my head yet I make no motions to do a damn thing about any of it.
My pants are tight, yet I continue to stuff crap in my mouth.
I can't stand looking at myself naked, its painful.
soon it will be warm here and I will have zero things to wear... my thighs rub together when I walk because all my weight goes south.
I swear every time I go through this cycle I won't get HERE again.. yet HERE is just where I am.
I don't want a drug to help me loose weight, i know how to do that, I know what to do... I want a drug that makes me AWARE of when I am gaining it back..
I want a drug that when I get above that magical 5lbs from where I want to be, where I feel good about me... it makes me FEEL and EXPERIENCE all this emotional pain and physical disgust I feel inside right now..
those emotions are so easily forgotten, this I know.. how many times have I been in this cycle since it all began in Jan 2002...at 215 pounds, and I've gained/lost/gained/lost... more times then even I can remember right now.
and as much as I talk the talk they will be easily forgotten again when I do this yet one more time.
I can't control the weather, I can't control other people (even though I think I can), I can't control a lot of situations... yet....the one situation I CAN control, always spirals into this head long out of control highway to hell.. and its so hard to turn the car around and go the other way once we've started down the dark road...
yet somewhere in the dark recesses of the dark highway that is our mind is a small speck of bright light that we must endeavor to walk toward, and while the darkness is so much greater than the light, right now, the closer we walk toward that bright spot, the easier and brighter it will become...
until once again one day we stand in full brightness.