I'm so excited!

I am so over the top excited today.... my head seems to be in the right place with getting my over expanded *SS back on track... I have started and stopped so many times since this move to SC... I let 'life' get the best of ME instead of ME getting the best of life...

so some stuff just ain't working out how it was supposed to... my marriage didn't work out like it was supposed to either but I used that to fuel my initial quest to leanness... this time I allowed 'life' to let me indulge in my drug - food... I let it detour me from the gym....truth is, to the world I look normal... to me I feel like a COW... I am not and never will judge anyone else... I am only speaking for myself and how EYE feel!

I will ALWAYS always be a weight fighter I have to face that...  I look at my mom and the maternal side of my family, and with the exception of one aunt (and I have a feeling she has a different father) the women in my family are heavy.... so I can be pissed about the card I was dealt genetically or I can do what I know keeps it off ME.... a good lifestyle change in how I've been eating lately and exercise...  I have two younger brothers both tall 6'+ and lean... but they have a different dad then I do...

I know what to do and how to do it... so that begs the question of WHY haven't I done anything about it... because I've chosen to wallow in my misery... and what for, WHAT did it serve, WHO did it serve... I am more miserable in this shape and that only exacerbates the issue of everything else that doesn't go right...

Losing this weight I've put on WON'T solve the issues I'm dealing with... I know that, but it will make me a happier person inside and when your happier with you and who you are emotionally and physically, it makes the other stuff easier to handle... I had that fantasy long ago... in 2002 when I was my heaviest of 215lbs and thinking losing the weight would solve my marriage, my job, my money issues - yeah. none of that happened... but I know that this time... no more 'honeymoon' stage for me...

and even though I know what to do and how to do it.. I need accountability.. so... I've contacted a trainer... it will be on line coaching... and when we get all the details worked out... I'll let y'all in on who it is.... but just speaking with said person today, well ok emailing... has me so excited... renewed almost... super motivated...so darn motivated I came home from work and did BC-BONUS CARDIO.... I HATE cardio but I was so stoked all day today... I came in changed and did another 20 minutes of sweaty cardio on my elliptical...

anyhow... I am rambling and my belly is growling... and I am stinky and need a shower....

2011 is gonna be a time of change for me... i can just FEEL it!