just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Guilt or Shame

another tidbit from therapy... the difference between feeling guilty and feeling ashamed...

Guilt = feeling like what you've done is never enough

Shame = feeling like YOU are not enough

I've felt both for a long time in many relationships in my life. Especially my relationship with my mother. In fact there has never been a feeling of love in that relationship only guilt and shame.

Sometime 13 yrs or so ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. For so long I never understood why Jay did this. What was so bad that he just couldn't see facing another day? Why didn't he talk to anyone? How could he do this to us? What was going thru his mind to take such an action.

I can honestly say and this came out in a flurry of emotions and tears at Saturday's appointment, that for the first time in my life, I can understand WHY Jay did what he did. I can understand the pain you feel inside is so bad, you just want it to end.

Jay I love you my friend and I do understand, to some degree, the pain you felt inside, but you hid so well from all of us with your smile. I want you to know that it would have been ok my friend to share that pain with those that truly cared for you.

I say that as much for you as I do for myself. Yet I understand the fear of letting others in, the fear of being judged, the fear of once again feeling guilt and shame.

No comments: