just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Where's Waldo Been? Unclogging drains...

So much has gone on in the last few months, things I've not even begun to share here, mainly because they are pretty personal but if I don't get this shit out of my head it just rolls around in there with no direction, no outlet, causing panic attacks. So be prepared as triathlon training is done and now its really training for life... or a new life.

For the first 20 yrs of my life I lived with an abusive mother. Physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, all of it. If she had a bad day and we got out of line she would beat us with whatever was within her reach, extension cord, wooden spoon, hot wheels track, a skillet, a belt, she didn't care and didn't discriminate on her choice of weapon. Believe me I KNOW children need discipline and from time to time spankings, but we did not deserve 1/10th of what we got.

Add to the dog shit pile was her verbal abuse - "you stupid fucking kids" "how could I have given birth to such idiots" "i hate you" "i wish you were never born" "this is all your fault" "your ugly"... it went on and on... never did we hear I LOVE YOU, never did we hear 'wow you did a good job" "i'm proud of you"...then for the next 20 yrs I lived my life as if everything she said were true.

I guess I thought if my own mother, my own flesh and blood, who carried me for 9 months, gave birth to me - thought I was this worthless, useless, ugly person well then I must be. It has only been recently that I've felt I deserve better, I deserve more. And thankfully I think I've found a therapist to help me see that. Or maybe its just that I'm ready to see that? Not sure. I mean I've been to therapist before but I guess I just wasn't ready because as they got to close to the source of pain, I stopped going. Or maybe its just Rich has a totally different approach?

I sat in his office Saturday talking about an email response I sent to some friends... I got up after a very restless night to an email from a friend talking about Dr. Phil.. you know in general I like some of Dr. Phil's shows and his books and such but that morning it just struck me wrong and out came some rather harsh emotions - not directed directly at my friends but just those with this get over it attitude in general. I mean you watch Dr. Phil or Oprah or whatever show, or this new book comes out and the world thinks WOW all those problems were solved in a one hour episode with commercial breaks... and if your are already feeling shitty about yourself and your self worth, you sit there wondering, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't be healed during this? I truly believe Dr Phil and others like him need to have a disclaimer at the end of their show saying this guest was not cured over night from their abuse but that it took time and months of therapy to heal the scars of the physical and emotional abuse they suffered. Because I am so fucking sick and tired of hearing people say, JUST GET OVER IT MOVE ON!!

What the fuck you think I LIKE feeling like this? Would you tell a rape or incest victim, to just get over it and move on? probably not, Well damn it I was fucking raped of my self esteem and robbed of my childhood, do I not deserve the same time to heal these scars! So now the tears are starting to well up and I'm feeling bad about my knee jerk response to my friends when Rich tells me that he is thrilled at my response... WTF?? I feel like I just bit off the head of a friend that did not deserve my response and Rich's analogy to me is..."if you had clogged pipes and you were in there rooting around to unclog the drain, do you think the first thing that would come out would be fresh clean water?" No he said the first thing that would come out when things get loosened up is all the gunk and junk that has been clogging the drain in the first place and then eventually the fresh water will flow.

He has this funny way of making an analogy that makes perfect sense sometimes. So that's kind of where I've been, unclogging my drain, so to speak. Only I wish it would go as quickly as unclogging a real drain. But I know it will take time and effort on my part. And I know there will be days that it is going to be very painful dredging up the sludge. But for the first time in my life I actually believe I deserve this. I think my childhood stopped when I was somewhere between 6 to 8 yrs old and from that point on I was just this scared person doing what she could to stay out of harms way.

We've pin pointed 6-8 yrs of age as that is the age I was when my father divorced my mother.. I know he was not a perfect man but he was the buffer that allowed me to be a child, allowed me to have self esteem. My best memories as a kid are times with him...I was his princess who could do no wrong... I went everywhere and did everything with him... I'm sure he was not without his faults in their marriage, in fact I know he was not without his faults - but anytime I think of him, I feel like this protected little girl.

One of my homework assignments from my session on Saturday is to go visit a first grade class and just look at how small and vunerable those little ones are.. Rich feels that when I really take a good long look at how small and precious and vunerable someone is at that age, then maybe I might be able to start cutting myself some slack, because I had to grow up and do and become a grown up at just about that age.

1 comment:

Lelia Chealey said...

Wow. I can't imagine going through something like that. Have you ever read any of Beth Moore's stuff? She has a great Bible study workbook called Breaking Free. Or Jennifer Rothschild's book Self Talk, Soul Talk is a great one too.
Just sharing what has helped me in my journey from my past. :)