On Thursday I will pick up the keys to my new apartment and begin moving in. As I embark on this journey of discovering who I truly am, its been very hard on Kevin. I don't love myself right now and as such can not give that love back to anyone else and he is a good person that deserves someone that can.
He is willing to hang in there but I've told him I can make no promises. I can give him no time line as to how long this will take or how I will feel about him or us, when all is said and done.
I did not go into this relationship with thoughts of hurting anyone, that is not the type of person I am. I have never gone into any relationship in my life with thoughts of hurt, but sometimes, that is exactly what happens.
But right now I am hurting too. I am hemorraging inside emotionally and what little emotion I have left I need to keep for myself. I've always given so much of myself away that I've never know who I am, what makes me happy?
I feel badly that I've drug someone else down this rocky road with me. I did not mean to, just so much that has been bottled for so long is coming loose, the pressure has gotten to great to keep it in and like the laws of physics, its getting ready to explode.
So I am moving out on my own and SCARED TO DEATH! I've never REALLY been alone for a long time, never. I am afraid of being alone, but I can't bear hurting anyone else any more as I work thru my issues.