At today's therapy appt Rich asked how it was going... meaning being in my own place. Its been kind of weird.

My first stay here was last Sunday night. I didn't sleep a wink it felt like. Was not use to all the new noises - hearing those in apartment above me walking around, hearing people in the hallway, when the guy next door came home and tried to get in his apartment, I swear it sounded like he was unlocking my door, I have radiator steam heat and when they come on they hiss... so after a week I am getting more use to the different sounds, although its now 4am, I've been up since 3am when apparently same said next door neighbor was just getting home and wasn't to quite about it. but for the most part I am getting use to the different sounds in the building.

I told Rich what I don't like and what I fear is becoming a hermit. First I find because I don't have any living room furniture and really can't afford any, that I am holed up in my bedroom on my bed. And since I don't have cable cause again, can't afford it, I find myself watching my same DVD's over and over again. Now 99% of the time this IS how I lull myself to sleep watching a movie I've seen hundreds of times but this can't be how I spend my life and that is what I fear I will do.

I am afraid of being alone. And I told him today I think this is what happened before. After I moved out of George's and into my own apartment in Naperville I was ok for a while, oh same ole thing didn't do anything but watch movies or TV (actually had cable at that time) or surfed the net, but one can only do that so much... anyhow I got bored of being alone so I finally took my boss' (at the time) prodding and searched for a date on yahoo personals.... had a few dates then went out with Kevin.... we seemed to hit it off and I think we did... but then I seemed to meld into his life... I spent most of my time at his place, rarely did he come to Naperville, in fact after a while 99% of my time was spent at his place with the exceptions of the weekends and Wed nights he had his daughter - he was cautious about introducing his daughter to anyone so we dated for a while before I was introduced to Grace... so after about a year we moved in together... seemed silly for me to pay rent on a place I was never at anyhow...

I guess what it boils down to is I really don't have any friends to do things with so 99% of the time I find myself alone and eventually I get bored of that so I start dating and then the same thing happens over and over again.

And where the fuck do you go at 43 to make friends? I am a very shy person... I know some might find that weird and think its not true but it really really is. I truely have a hard time just walking up to strangers and striking up a conversation.

I also told Rich that I don't think I am an interesting person with anything to offer someone in the way of friendship - course I followed up that comment to him with YES Rich I know that is just a tape recording going off in my head.

But I mean lets face reality.... no one is calling me to say hey lets meet at...and have a cup of coffee, or hey lets meet for a walk or a run, or at the gym, or hey some of us are going out for lunch today wanna join us? And then on the RARE and I do mean totally RARE occaison that MIGHT happen... I don't know what to talk about or what to say...