just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became

Friday, August 21, 2009

Secrets behind closed doors

What do you do in secret?

What do you do when no one else is watching you?

Would you do those same things IF someone was watching?

For some its drinking... maybe they are a closet alcoholic. I really think this was my ex... he was not what one thinks of when you think of an alcoholic.. my definition, prior to this, was always someone that was out and out drunk all the time.. this was not him.. he was not drunk 24/7, but when I look back with the exception of when he was on day shift and going in at 5am, he always had a pretty stiff mixed drink going out the door with him.

For some its drugs... behind the veil of the closed door no one knows right? for a while this was me (and the ex) - my drug friends knew I did drugs cause they did them with me, but I can tell you even my closest friend who is anti drug had no idea that is how well I could hide it. Now I hate needles so I never went that far, not like that makes me any better or anything, so there would have never been visible track marks... now the nose bleeds and constant stuff nose I could always explain away to allergies or whatever... Man if I could have 1/2 of the money I spent or 1/2 of the sleep I lost during my hey day of doing blow.... I might not have to work for a good year.

this lifestyle ultimately killed my ex. we did not have the traditional I HATE YOU divorce, in fact we remained friends, we would keep in touch via phone, email, texts, IM whatever...In fact his death hit me pretty hard - when I woke up one day and said EYE had enough and knew I would be dead if I didn't stop... there were many times I tried to push him to stop... many times to the anger level and saying "if you don't stop what your doing you will make me a widow before your 50" - well he didn't make me a widow because we divorced before that point but he passed away Oct 20, 2007 at 47 yrs of age - he would have been 48 on April 28, 2008... in my quest lately to let God more in my life, learning His purpose for me.... I'd like to think Mike is in heaven and I will see him again but I don't know now and honestly that breaks my heart.

On one of my Florida visits in June... I went on a coffee date with someone from one of the dating websites and of course during conversations talk of his ex and mine came up in conversations... at one point he turned to me and said do you realize you don't say your ex you say my husband? It hit me like a ton of bricks because I really had NOT noticed this at all - I guess the reality is I never stopped loving him and I probably still haven't even with the realization now that Mike was not the soul mate I've sought in my dreams - he WAS a great man, a kind man but what we had was more of a great friendship than a true husband/wife marriage...

but I am getting off topic....but for anyone that really knows me... this is how I am in real life.. one thing gets you thinking about something else, and that something else, and that something else... then eventually you wind up back to where you started and why you started :o) its how I clean too... start in living room, take something to the kitchen, then you see something in kitchen that you need to do and then something in kitchen takes you to the bathroom, so you do a few things in there and then something in there takes you to the bedroom and, well, you get the idea!!!!!

For some its out of control spending... not the same if your 'shopping' on the internet is it? or... is it? if you don't have the money and your putting your purchase on a credit card that is damn near its limit and all the while you know in your heart what your doing is wrong and will only bring you more grief after you hit the PURCHASE button - there is a problem...

For me its binge eating. I know hard to believe that for a period of time I can reign it in, I can take my physique to a level that is not normally seen for a 43 (soon to be 44 yr old) but somehow I get to THAT point and something snaps. And much like a drug addict or an alcoholic the entire time I am binging... I am saying in my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? the entire time I am in my favorite place to get my 'fix' Walgreens or CVS I am saying in my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

So if that is the case, if you know what your doing is harming you or wrong, then WHY do we do it? What causes this? Do we really think no one else knows?

I have allowed myself to get off track and I need to reel it in before it gets too out of hand and this needs to happen NOW.... maybe that nagging voice in my head and my heart that I hear is Jesus talking to me... Jesus asking me 'Kim what are you doing' because the truth of the matter is...while you may think what your doing in secret is just that a secret...

but rest assured God knows exactly what your doing... So when you think no one is watching... think again...

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