my heart is really no longer in this fucking contest prep.... right now I am ready to just toss in the towel and walk away and not look back... not been feeling well, tired, run down, out of sorts, UTI I have been fighting... I am just sick and tired of it all.
Yet somehow I don't have the courage to NOT do it... why because I worry to fucking much about others... worry to much about the ones that have purchased plane tickets to show up, or perhaps tickets to the show already - why can't I just say screw this and do what I need to do for me....
I am happy with my physique right now, maybe THAT is some of my issue... maybe I needed this competition looming in the horizon to get me back to this point and now... well now that I am here... I just don't feel what I need to feel to PUSH any farther...
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