just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became

Monday, May 4, 2009

Sunshine and Rainbows...

Something a friend said to me on a board I belong to. Wasn't sure what he meant so I asked... He responded by saying "its about how hard can you get hit and keep moving forward"....

I've been having a very tough time since I returned for Florida.

First the weather, till the last couple of days, has SUCKED big donkey balls, rainy, overcast, blah blah blah blah blah (thankfully the sun has been out last day or two).

Second, I got ballsy and asked said friend if I was wasting my time. At first I took the response totally personal when he mentioned he is not ready for more than friends right now.

Having been totally hurt in a previous relationship its understandable why he feels the way he does. It is sad that he allows the ex to control his feelings now, it is sad that he isn't allowing himself to move on, but all understandable.... I guess. but you have to move on, forget and forgive... it is the budda way... truth is by holding grudges, by not moving on, you are not hurting the person you have the issue with, hell they have moved on and long forgotten... you are only hurting yourself.. period!

the other reality is... I have no clue WHY I even want more to be really very truly and completely honest with myself....I don't have an answer and that should be a clue to myself ya know... maybe because I just THINK that's how its supposed to be... but I'm over taking it personal... I care a lot about this person as a person and as a friend and I am NOT willing to lose the friendship by being stupid and pushy and taking an issue he has as personal...

I am a tried and true loyal friend.. I will do anything be there for anybody, but don't fuck me over, don't lie to me, don't hurt me and you will never find a more tried and true friend then me.

maybe.... it is me and not that this person isn't ready for more than friends, but maybe its not.. I can only take what he says as his being honest... if he is bullshitting me, oh well. But if it is a lie I will say I don't do well with liars...

but my philosophy is until I have reason to doubt you... I have NO reason to doubt you.

Third.... I am just ready to move... NOW... and get on with my new chapter in life. I will start dating again when I get there.. no since in doing that now, don't need to subject someone who won't be in my life come late sept to contest prep.

Fourth... I am really sick to death of being alone... and by being alone I don't mean a mate in my life as such... I mean just friends in general... My fucking life is message boards.. I get up I train, I come home, shower, I go to work, I go home, I go to gym again, I get on line...WOO HOO what a fun flipping life... it really gets old not to have a friend to hit a movie with, or just to sit and watch TV with sometimes, or go for coffee, or the zoo, or just to chat with... I guess I'm just lonely...

So back to sunshine and rainbows... of late I feel like I have been hit pretty hard but it is not in my nature to just lay down and give up... oh the getting up maybe slow but I always get back up.. I am not a quitter in any sense of the word, I may have days I don't want to go on, but I do, I always do.

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