just when the caterpillar thought that life was over,
it became

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My apology....

Where to start? That is difficult to say so I am just going to start and this may end up being disjointed as hell.

I will begin with, I AM SORRY… really truly and deeply sorry for anyone I have let down or disappointed in this decision I have made. I know I have disappointed friends, family, myself to some extent and parts of me feel like I have disappointed God….

But the funny thing is as I strive to understand Him and His will for me on a daily basis (sorry if you don’t understand that but it’s not for anyone but me to understand)…. I felt a sense of peace I have not felt in many weeks when I made my decision NOT to do this competition on Sept 5th today.

I will send an even stronger I am sorry to anyone that has purchased tickets or made and bought plane reservations for that weekend. Please know if you have and you still wish to come to Chicago… my home and anything and everything I am and I have will be at your disposal.

I am dealing with some issues medically, of which I don’t care to discuss… Dealing with some things financially and the cost of competing just don’t make sense any more when so many other important things need to take precedents. Dealing with some things emotionally and the biggest one is when I am questioning WHY I am doing this every single day for days and weeks on end something isn’t right.

I have never had the false idea that competing isn’t hard, if it was easy lots would do it… I know it takes some moxie to get thru this tough time... I’ve been there… I’ve done that – but right now…. My heart is NOT in it to do it now – that does not mean I am giving up on me or keeping my physique in check… does not mean I won’t continue to work out because I LOVE the way that makes me feel – it just means that for me, right now, I don’t feel the need to make this my life… at the end of the day I get a flipping trophy if I am lucky, and a credit card debt that I may never be able to repay, and have to wonder how many friends, family and loved ones did I alienate in the process of becoming this uber obsessed bitch…

When I did triathlons for two summers I always said when it STOPPED being fun it was time to stop doing it… and that did not mean I had to win… or even place or show for that matter… it just meant when I could not get up every day and enjoy WHAT I was doing it would be time to stop… THIS has not been fun anymore... and believe me there were days in triathlon training that it wasn’t fun but most days were, most days I looked forward to… but lately every single day getting up at 3am lifting for an hour, doing 1.5 hrs of cardio be it split in AM/PM or done in one fell swoop, has not been fun… I have alienated others but more importantly I have become someone I don’t like anymore – and I Have worked to damn hard in therapy to like myself to let something like a hobby that I don’t even get paid for set me back like this. I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and like who I see looking back and while I like the physique I see, I am not liking the persona I have become…

I don’t want to say I don’t care if you don’t understand but I have to do this for me, not for anyone but myself and the glory of God…. Lately, it’s not been about either and when I stop doing things for the right reasons something needs to change, period.

Again… I am sorry to anyone who feels I have let them down… I will take that pain with me for a long time but at the end of the day I need to be right with God and with myself. I have made some compromises I am not proud of and I need to redeem some things and set them right before it’s too late.

Now I am going to go for a walk and clear my head...

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