this may not make sense to one flipping person but those that really know me or compete in this sport... but mentally I am struggling...part of me says this is so not important anymore, another part of me knows I will feel like I failed if I don't go thru with it...but do I want to get up there NOT in the best condition I know I should have brought...
I know you that dont' have addictions maybe can't understand this...you don't just tell an alcoholic to stop drinking, or a drug addict to stop snorting or shooting up... give me a break for gosh sakes THEY KNOW THAT.. I can guarantee you AS they are doing it THAT is exactly what is going thru their heads... I know I shouldn't be doing this... yet mouth opens as the bottle comes up... viens pop out as the needle draws near...I've been addicted to drugs... there was a time my behind could not get out of bed or get thru a day without doing cocaine... My gosh I'd do it at work, do it while driving down the road... i spent countless amounts of money on it foresaking all else - but somehow I got out of that life...
however I can't seem to forever and always kick my addiction to food.... and I have let ugly demons rule my world this last week...I don't care if any of you understand, truthfully its not for YOU to understand... this is mearly me getting this out of my head...
I have failed friends, I have failed myself, but most of all right now... I feel like I've failed God... yet again....
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