Butterflies are free to fly... to Jesus

Ya she changed up her blog... AGAIN :o)  besides my fascination with collecting pigs (I know odd right) I also have this 'thing' for butterflies....so when I saw this background I just had to make a change, even though I should be packing and prepping for a little medical thing I gots to do later....it'll all be ok and I'm not scared but I DO wish Matt could be here holding my hand.

But butterflies are just fascinating creatures of God don't you think?  I mean this beautiful creature starts out as this some what less attractive thing called a caterpillar (larve), well ok some caterpillars are rather cool looking, but then again I was all excited when the cicada's came around.. I was mesmorized by them, maybe I should have been an entomologist.  I digress, again... (I must be some what ADHD)

First there is the egg, then the caterpillar, then the chrysalis stage, then emerges the beautiful butterfly....almost in some sense maybe, how an almost 44 yr old learns to come to Jesus.... thankfully my life span (well at least I hope) will be longer than a butterflies life span from beginning to end of about 6-8 wks - not that I am afraid to die.. oh no... because I believe there is a better place awaiting me.. I just don't think I have truly served God's purpose for me here just yet, but ultimately that IS HIS decision.

I guess I make a lot of analogies or comparisions to things because honestly, and I was texting my friend Lorenzo about this yesterday, and Matt and I have discussed it too.. but sometimes I just feel... so lost so behind, so stupid about Godly things.

Now let me digress again in saying I am a perfectionist... I feel like if I can't do something or know something 100%, and yes right from the beginning, then I get angry with myself and in learning to really let go and accept Jesus and learning His word and His purpose for me, I have to cut myself some slack.

Truth is if someone came to me with no knowledge of dieting or weight lifting I would never berate them about their lack of knowledge about said topic as I do myself about things I don't know, rather I would gently guide them, offer them support, give of them what ever knowledge I've gained in my journey in this fitness life, and then hopefully watch them one day soar to new areas in their own life.  I guess the best teacher, mentor, or trainer knows that eventually the student will leave you and if you are a good teacher, trainer, or mentor you are excited when that happens for it means YOU have done your job.

So even though next week I turn 44... my knowledge of Father, Son and Holy Spirit is like that of a child on his first day in school learning new concepts... so like said child with things they find interesting and want to know more about they start seeking knowledge where they can.  Obviously the first place for me to seek knowledge of God is of course the Bible... but then I find myself spinning with knowledge overload.. and yes I bring it on myself and then of course get frustrated with self again because I'm not absorbing it all at once.  And it becomes this darn vicious cycle.

So you maybe asking.. how does this relate to a butterfly??? Well let me tell ya, or at least how I see it...

The Four Stages

Egg (the germ of a new life) - the seed is planted, I feel this need to finally once and for all let God truly into my life no turning back this time, no half-waying it this time, no making excuses for it this time.

Caterpillar (a time of growth) - at this stage I am reading my Bible, reading and journaling about The Purpose Driven Live, Reading blogs of other believers, subscribing to lots of devotional material, etc.

Chrysalis Stage (a time of change) - Being saved and considering being re-baptized (probably to the horror of my mother but oh well I'm a big girl now)

Butterfly (a time of fruitation/rebirth) - emerging as a completely and totally new and beautiful creature of God, not perfect but perfectly imperfect in His eyes, soaring off into the world to teach others about him, live His purpose for me, be the wife and mother He intended for me to be as He has written....

So there ya have it my analogy on how butterflies are like a journey to God... hey we are all entitled to our own opinions right??

and I still think butterflies are really and truly fascinating creatures...

Friday Fill-Ins #1

I am going to put #1 since this is MY first Friday Fill-In.. not even sure how I came across this person's blog but nonetheless, its fun.. so I will post MY FFI and I've included a link below... what is in bold are the blanks you fill in :o)

1. He was a man of God in every sense.

2. Warm Days and Cool Nights is what I look forward to most this time of year.

3. My best friend Debbie will be 40 this year.

4. I have to be honest with you.

5. Appearances can be deceiving; look on the inside first.

6. The last person I gave a hug to was Matt and I can’t wait till I can again.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finishing chores and laundry, tomorrow my plans include attending the For Better, For Worse, For Keeps Seminar and Sunday, I want to enjoy time at Cross Roads Church in DeMotte IN and time with family !


http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

Who says a red head can't wear Red??

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 6:9 19-20

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I think some of you may see the sports of bodybuilding, fitness or figure or physique photography as a sin against God.  Again I ask.. who died and made YOU judge?  Personally I think even nude photograhpy if done properly is very artistic and the way I see it is God made ALL of us with unique talents.

Iron Revival

got a proper hiney kicking from Kurt at the gym today... it was tough... after my brief hiatus (read I was so sick of the gym a place I normally love) I was sweating bullets 5 minutes in... granted it was hotter than heck in there too.

and know what... it was exactly what I needed... I'm gonna hurt for the next couple of days but between this beating today and the disc with my photo shoot pictures that I got yesterday... and my books from Bob/Cheryl... just something within me feels sort of 'renewed' - and I'm likin' that a lot...

when you push to those limits it is so easy to get in a funk.. generally the gym is a place I love, the feel, the smell, the friendships made at the crack of dawn, with the iron and with fellow crazy peeps there at 3:30-4am...and that is what I need my life to get back to... where I like the gym again, where it does not feel like a chore that I despise..

get back to that place where it feels like I feel on Sunday's at Church... renewed, refreshed and ready to take on the world again... and believe me God was right there with me tonight... I generally take my cross round my neck off when I work out but just didn't think about it as I ran out the door, so with every pushup that I didn't feel like I could push thru... I was able to be reminded to ask for strength as it hung below me.. with every plank he made me hold, as my core started to quiver... I could look down and see my cross hanging there, and ask for strength for 15 more seconds at a time...

so maybe... just maybe... God can be in all we do, even.... a kick butt training session at the gym....

Thank you Jesus for the strength today and, well, every day! 

Ok I really need a shower now :o)

My Earthly Future

                  My handsome honey! is this a cute kid or what?

Father and Son.

How great is my life... moving to warm sunny Florida (well MIGHT be SC for a little while), I have a great guy in my life who is a true Man of God, Jesus is first and foremost...We will be married soon and I gain the worlds most adorable step-son...

Tom Millard Photo Shoot June 09

I AM a strong, beautiful, soon to be 44 yr old woman that God has gifted with a passion for physical fitness and body sculpting. I always wondered WHY He never made me tiny and petite and ballerina like, like other girls but when I look at these photos...
I SEE the beauty He created in me!





My body is a temple and I WILL take care of it

Is God speaking again?

So today old habits of doubt and worry come creeping back in regarding the move and the brother issue... Kevin said read Matthew 6:30, so I did, and posted it here...

a couple weekends ago I attended the road to I DO seminar put on by Bob and Cheryl Moeller - awesome seminar and I HIGHLY recommend it.. check out their website For Better, For Worse, For Keeps Ministry - its awesome...

So anyhow after that seminar I ordered two books they have written one the same title as their ministry and the second entitled Marriage Minutes...see I get this daily devotion from them too, just a little antecdent piece of advice regarding marriage... and the book Marriage minutes is the same way... just daily, starting with Jan 1 short little one minute readings to share with spouse (ok so I don't have one yet but its a given) - so today my books arrived...

immediately I tore into said package and for some reason felt compelled to flip to September 20th the day I will arrive in Florida - does anyone wanna guess what the scripture reading is for that day??? go on... go ahead... I dare ya to guess...

Yeah... Matthew 6:30 is the primary scripture focus for that day, and that days title Faith and Worry Won't Mix...

A sign?? a coincidence??? y'all can have your opinion but to me it was once again but a sign for me...

Tom Millard Photo Shoot June 2009

just got the disc from Tom Millard another photographer I shot with at Jr Nationals... lots to go thru but here are a few...

Matthew 6:28-30

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

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Thanks for the direction to this... as much as I say I don't want to worry that this whole issue tossed at me yesterday by my brother IS indeed God's plan and that He will show me something in the 26 days I have left before I move...

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was concerned and worried. All my life has been wondering where I would wake up... what relative would my mother be shuffling us and pawning us off on, would my mother beat me today or just emotionally abuse me with her words... from the time I was about 7 yrs of age I never knew what the next hour let alone next day would bring....

Lord I am sorry I have any doubts in my heart and soul that this IS your plan... Please forgive me... I said I was giving it to you and then in the next breath I want to wrestle back the control... forgive me Father...

Writing for a living?

I've been sharing my posts here with my soon to be sister in law, Amanda, who sent me back a note that said I should write for a living...

Truth be known... I hate writing... anyone that was around me when I had to write a paper for school can tell you how MUCH I hate writing...but then again writing about accounting principles is quite boring...

Mainly this whole blog started way back when as a way to just get thoughts out of my head and onto paper, and since that first day it has really taken on a different context and meaning along the way... but it really is and will always be just a way to get things out of my head...

who knows what I might say that may be words someone else can take away and use in their life, be it physical fitness training or in learning how to walk with Jesus themselves because that 2nd part is all so new to me and I need others to know He does not expect us to be perfect at it, contrary to some snobby others who feel their Christianity is far superior to yours but hey its them missing the point of showing others HOW to walk with Jesus and it will be up to Him to redirect them not me...

but all in all this is really nothing more than misc. ramblings from my head on 'paper' because my handwriting is AWFUL :o) and who knows when I might need to look back at my own posts for inspiration and I want to be able to read what I wrote!!!

Hourly Prayers - Keeping Jesus at the front of the line

in my latest installment or day from The Purpose Driven Life.. Pastor Rick Warren encourages us to keep God in our thoughts constantly... but readily admits that we can and do get caught up in day to day things and God gets pushed to the back of our thoughts...

So I have taken some suggestions from that chapter...

on my Outlook calendar at work.. I have a scripture quote I like or that speaks to me or just a Thank You Jesus note that pops up every hour on the hour... I set it up this morning and its great... because I can read the verse or just the Thank you and remind myself to just stop for a few moments and say thank you to Him silently to myself - I don't feel I am cheating my employer of anything, it takes no more time from my day then a trip to the water cooler or to refresh my cup of coffee as I see it...

I will do the same thing on my Blackberry for the hours I am not at work and for weekends. Maybe it sounds silly to some but its really been helpful to me just today even...

of course for others in the office that have access to my calendar they may wonder what the heck.. but oh well it IS my outlook (in more ways than one :o)

May I speak with your manager please?

Say that to a McDonald's employee and see what looks you get :o) go on... I dare ya...

So right after my change in seasons post... (see below) I guess God said... hhmmm I'm gonna test her resolve today...

bout 9:30 as I am getting ready to walk out the door my phone rings.. its my baby brother Noel, one I eluded to in previous post, the one I am supposed to be moving in with.. yeah. well... that might not be so...

I told him I was on my way to church but had an hour drive we could talk... he proceeds to tell me that he and his partner are splitting up... he is done with it.. after 10 yrs together he can't handle the drinking anymore, the no spending time together, etc...and funny but my first initial reaction was sadness for them, not worry for me and how this will effect me...

Y'all may not agree with the gay population... I agree it is not and was not God's plan... but let me just say before you judge... 10 yrs together in today's day and age, be it heterosexual or homosexual relationship is pretty good.. and really even better in a gay relationship - he is my brother I love him no matter what... and as far as I am concerned gays are also God's children... so if your thinking otherwise... stop judging its not your job and look in the mirror... do YOU lead a perfect life before Christ... yeah didn't think so..

So needless to say we chat my entire drive to church.. I think he is really hurting over this and just needed an ear to listen, which I did... offered opinions but said ultimately you two have to figure this out... but no matter the outcome... I do hope Brad sees his drinking is an issue and gets help before he hurts himself or anyone else - he said he was sorry in regards to me... and that I could still live there with Brad and well it might be my only option for a bit... and truth is I doubt Noel can scramble and get out of there anytime in next 30 to 60 days - might mean I move twice in less than 5 months but hey whatever...

But I was not as worried about this as I usually would have been... normally 27 days before I am to move and not knowing what I AM going to do now would have my stomach in knots... but its really weird I am concerned but calm about it all.. I said to Robin at the fest today... its God's Plan... I am giving this to him and I trust He will work it out... somehow in next 27 days... I will have an answer -

hhhmm could that be... maybe... FAITH?????

So anyhow... about the manager thing.... I stopped at McDonald's to use the potty and grab a bite to eat before I got home and just to think a bit and read my book and as I am sitting there I am listening to the radio station they had on... and I am pleasantly surprised but also shocked..

am I hearing...

why yes I am...

I am listening to Christian music, IN MCDONALD'S on Sunday???? I just smiled, stopped reading my book and just listened... How GREAT was that... in my book pretty darn great in this world of political correctness or over correctness if you ask me... in this world where God is such a taboo subject, here I was in McD's listening to a Christian station singing praise songs to God.... Well I felt compelled to tell someone just how great I thought that was...

So as I am leaving and emptying my tray... I asked the girl at the counter..

May I speak with your manager please?

Well the looks on the faces of those behind the counter, of those at the drive thru, of those on the grills was one of horror... OMG what could be this woman's issue that she needs to see our manager...

I assured them they need not worry it was nothing bad and I just smiled...

So the manager Ricardo comes out, I introduce myself and I said "listen I just want to say THANK YOU for being so bold as to play Christian music in your restaurant... in this world we live in where God is almost taboo.. I applaud you for stepping out for Jesus!" He thanked me for saying so and wished me a great day...

I know the employees were all like WHEW... that wasn't bad at all, as I had assured them it was not... one gal even said they had rec'd a few complaints about it earlier today... so Ricardo... I applaud you even more for being so bold!

A chance of seasons

When I was in Florida in December and made the life changing decision that this is where I needed to move to... And now it all makes a lot of sense as to why, least to me... my co-workers were concerned "won't you miss the change of seasons"

For those that know me... I am a planner, everything in my life is planned to the Nth degree and I go over and over the plans always wondering....is this the RIGHT decision??? But this decision to move to Florida was a flash decision... I know the exact day, time, and what I was doing... the only thing I didn't know then was the why...it was December 30, 2008, walking my friend Rob's dog, Magnus, around 5pm and like a bolt of lightening, I just said "I need to move here"

I immediately called my brother Noel who lives in Florida (and who I will be a roommate too for a bit) and said I am moving... To where he asked... To Florida I said...He said its about time... Noel is the baby of the family.. he is 37 will be 38 this Christmas (how cool to share Jesus birthday ya know) and while he isn't a Jesus type person, he is my brother and I love him.. even more as I learn its ok he is so different and does not conform to society rules for his life... he marches to his own drummer and maybe, in some small way, I am envious of him...

The call to my middle brother Don (he is 41, will be 42 four days after I turn 44) didn't go as smoothly. I am moving to Florida... long pause.. YOUR WHAT? moving to Florida.. What, when, how did this come up, what will you do, where will you live? See Don knows of the planner in me... I think he is one too and for his big sister to just call him up with no lead in as to who, what, when, where and why I made this decision, only "i am moving to Florida" left him a bit concerned... who are YOU and WHAT have you done with my sister...

But now it all makes sense as to WHY on that day on Dec 30, 2008 at approx 5pm this decision just popped into my head... God needed me to be in Florida it was how, eventually, I would meet Matt.

But I did not know that at the time... rather what was in my head at the time is we already had a cruddy winter in IL, snow, bitter cold, ice, etc. I had always felt this compelling need to be away from Illinois since Michael passed away in Oct 07 (I was running from things in our failing marriage and I did it all wrong and with his passing the guilt of what I did was tremendously weighing on my heart and mind). And truth be known... at one point I was hoping said friend Rob would be more than 'just a friend' - no offense to Rob but thankfully not because I would have missed this opportunity to know Matt... BUT now I realize, or at least this is my opinion, God placed this idea in my head and heart as a way to orchestrate this meeting...

So onto a change in seasons - when I get back to work after Christmas break... I was so sure this was the right thing to do, even though I wasn't sure of all the logistics behind it, job, living arrangement, etc. but nonetheless... I gave my boss a verbal notice in January that my last day would be September 17, 2009... the reason it was so far out is I could NOT get out of my lease in Illinois... funny but now that I THINK about that... I bet the real reason is God needed some more time to get this all in place...He had some things to get situated on Matt's side...

Now as co-workers are getting wind of my move from my telling them or them hearing it.. a lot of them asked "aren't you going to miss the change in seasons?"

Right now my answer is NO... I have always been a summer baby even with the knowledge Florida is hot and sticky and my hair will always be in a ponytail... I have always LOVED summer, spring and fall, too cool for me, winter... forget it that cold just cuts to my bone. And truth is.... if I do start to 'miss' that... I can travel or take vacations to places at/during spring, fall, or winter.

This is how my learning to walk closer to Jesus feels to me... another analogy if you will - this change feels like A change in Seasons... seasons of my life... you know how when those season changes do happen you look forward to whatever 'that' season will bring....

Spring - the new flowers, the awakening from a cold winter, Summer - beach, BBQ, swimming, no school, Fall - warm days, cool nights, the change of the leaves on the trees, caramel apples, apple cider, Winter - snow, Christmas, New Years....

In trying to learn to trust God, become closer to Him... it feels like every day for me is a 'change in seasons' - there seems to always be a little something new I learn or understand or start to accept and it feels like the freshness, the newness we all feel at the start of each new season - but I think the best part is in learning to become closer to Him that I will have this change DAILY not just every few months.

So to all my co-workers that may have been worried about me missing the change of seasons.... don't fret... God's got me covered!